Getting torm apart

These days I am going through  severe personal  conflicts , that are within me , invisible , .and they are tearing me apart , the conflicts are at a deeper level , questioning my very existence , even the reason for existence .
a  whirlpool of  powerful forces  dragging me into different directions , I am trying to get out of their reach , because I know once I am caught into them , it will only end up as  madness  , and I don't want that .

Madness that will be destructive for me , whatever little semblance of sanity I have left in my outer demeanour will shred my soul irrevocably

i have and am trying to divert my attentions to other trivial  but kinda engaging activities ..... but then suddenly out of no where   , like a bolt  and inner conflicts in me  strike ,... I go numb , suddenly  every thing become uninteresting  ....I don't know how I keep my demeanour , the outer appearance ... 

these conflicts are because of a deep personal nature , I don't  think any body can understand  them , or even is willing to understand them ... life is too busy .... one moment is a precious moment , not to be wasted ....

perhaps ..............perhaps .... when  I  retire ... I may find someone .... equally alone ....like me 

.....
tut geya ik bandhan dhagey toun wee jo kachca  see.
khuch ta tha oo , keh na howan to achcha  see...